Me: Life is boring. Sometimes you just gotta be… SPONTANEOUS!!!!
Mom: Being “spontaneous” is gonna get you pregnant!
Me: Uh….no.

Rik: The Hershey Connection. Its like the French Connection only instead of cocaine we get chocolate! …And that won’t get us kicked out of college!

Alan: *whispers* It’s the po-po.
Me: *whispers* What about the po-po?
Alan: The po-po don’t like sesame seeds.

Janelle: We don’t have any milk. I hate my life.

Me: Ice cream knows no hours!!!
(couple months later)
Alan: Ice cream knows no temperatures!!!

Me: I don’t like it when asian women touch my feet.
Adam: yeah that totally goes against my brethreninity somehow

Alan: I think I have cancer of the tummy.
Me: Yeah, well I have cancer of the mouth and the arm.
Alan: Yeah.
Me: At least we’ll die together!
Alan: Ooo, that’d be fun!!
Me: I’m not so sure it would be…

Me: *knock on door* There’s no power, Rik.
Rik: There’s no power?
Me: No, no power.
Rik: At all?

Me: How did your final go?
Alan: I tried to kick its ass, but it was like a 4th grader trying to beat up a 25 year old…

Me: I saw an Amish person the other day.
Adam: You say that like they’re deer.
Me: Haha I saw a deer the other day too!

Me: Peggle called, and I had to answer.
Alan: Yeah, well I called peggle. I want my girlfriend back!

Me: *weird noises*
Alan: What’s all that?
Me: I’m flying my spaceship!
Alan: Oh.
Me: Do you not want me to fly my spaceship inside?
Alan: You can fly your spaceship wherever you want, hunny.

Me: This is so unhealthy. I’m eating peanut butter, chocolate, and oil from a bowl at 1 in the morning.
Alan: It could be worse. You could be eating just oil!
Me: Or it could be 2 in the morning…

Alan: One time my mom made me and my brother Star Trek costumes for Halloween.
Kelli: Aww thats cute! Was one of you like, R2D2?
Everyone: Blank stare… :-)

Dr. Striker: I’m very suspicious of exclamation points.

Alan: I don’t like it when you stick your finger in my ear.
Rachel: What are you talking about? I don’t stick my finger in your ear!
Alan: Yeah, but if you did I wouldn’t like it…

Alan: No. Apparently she just can’t read. Which is strange, because she obviously got accepted to college somehow.

Alan: What should we do?
Me: I don’t know, but if it involves jelly beans I won’t be against it.
Drew: Mass Jelly Bean Burning!!
Me: Ok, I’m against that.
Alan: Can you even burn jelly beans?
Drew: I think they melt.
Me: And smell really bad…

“JD” from Scrubs: It’s not a unicorn. It’s a horse with a sword on his head, and he’s there to protect my hopes and dreams!

Alan: What did you do?!
Me: Hehehe I put a squirrel in it… hehehe

Rachel W.: Ctrl-z. Let’s undo your birth.

Dr. Machery: They’re very small. Even for French standards, they are small, and that’s saying something.

Me:*Waving index card* See?
Alan: YOU’RE FLAPPING IT! YOU’RE FLAPPING IT!!! No. No Comprehension.

Me: I don’t think I can marry a guy if he doesn’t even know how his little white warriors are doing.
Alan: They haven’t failed me yet!
Me: I don’t even know what that means…

Me (sleep talking): Your new resnet friend looks like a penny whore.
Alan: Huh? Who?
Me: Don’t forget your elbow macaroni.

Me: Eat Your Leaves…

Me: What?! So you were just going to LOVE TAP me with your sword of death?!

Dr. Machery: Some of you may be aware that 50% of the population doesn’t have a penis?…penes?…penises?…penis.

Eva: I wish he was catatonic, but instead he’s just a cat…

Eva: I’m still goth at heart, but I like to keep it light!

Me: You rubbed your hairy hobbit feets on my shirt… What the hell is wrong with you?!

Me: Have you seen Death recently?
Janelle: No, she hasn’t really been around much lately.

Me: I’m going to name our kid Ventilador Velocidad. Ok? Ventilador Velocidad McWhirter.
Alan: Right, cuz I couldn’t come up with a better name…. Oh wait. Yes, I can.

Dr. Machery: Pretend your TAs are stupid, lazy, and fucking mean.